When my body said NO
My journey so far with M.E./Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
I sit and stare out the window into my garden, a view I have become much more used to over the last 9 months. The season of winter is upon us and I can really feel how I am part of that as I have been feeling the need to wrap up warmer, eat soothing foods and slow down even more than I already have. I wonder, did I ever really notice this before? I was always running around, yes doing things I loved, but nonetheless doing so many things that the weeks rolled into one and I felt like my life was slipping away from me. This is precisely what was happening and why my journey of illness has actually been the biggest gift! I can now see and feeeeel all of what I was missing, but the learning of quite why I felt that rushing and always saying yes is a deeper exploration, and one that I see we could all do with taking note of, before one day, your body decides it has had enough…and it will!
Where did it begin?
I won’t go into huge detail here, something for the book I am slowly allowing to come into creation, and perhaps later blog posts, but I will say that this has been in the making since I was a little girl. I notice as I look back that I always wanted approval from others, despite being different from most people in a lot of ways. I felt I didn’t quite fit in anywhere. However I still tried to earn love and acceptance, and have memories of many times where I overrode what I really wanted to do, because I wanted to please someone or be liked. Ahhh the ever-present human condition of wanting to be liked! This causes real issues for us, and often leads to mid-life crisis where we may realise that our whole life so far has been for others. Luckily I have made many choices that go against the grain and in the last few years have really started listening and exploring what I love and my life purpose; but I was still operating from a place where my life purpose and serving/offering my gifts to others were a priority and took over what I personally; emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, needed in each moment.
I would feel like anything I did was NEVER enough.
For example I built my own website from scratch, and when it was done, rather than celebrate I kept on tweaking it and adding booking sites etc, as well as still having clients and teaching most evenings. The pressure of advertising my business and offering to others what I was channelling and insights I had, became a never ending job, and one I felt was never done. Because it isn’t going to be. The whole system we operate in is made so we feel like we have to keep going, keep posting, keep producing, keep working! My whole value was wrapped up in what I offered. I even ran two retreats almost back to back and when I finished found it hard to even take a day of rest before organising the next one and creating the adverts, playlists, plan, budget etc for it - I couldn’t let myself pause. Exhausting isn’t the word!
On top of all this, I suffer from chronic constipation and bloating, and was having early menopausal symptoms dispersed between PMS - fun times!
Pushing through the body’s whispers
Anyway, aside from the enormous hormonal imbalance coming on and off; hot flushes, night sweats, anxiety, despair,(one for another blog post!) I still felt fabulous most of the time and was still adventuring, travelling and being very active as I always have been. Or did I? I had signs of
Then nervous breakdown number 1 happened. I was attempting to get ready for a work trip to Mexico to teach and assist at a tantra festival and I literally couldn’t pack. I was shaking and crying and had deteriorated into a nervous wreck. I asked the Universe to give me a sign if I wasn’t meant to go as I knew I would push on if the symptoms were all that happened. We headed to the airport at 4am and an hour in our car died, literally turned off and stopped! It had no issues and never had done this before, we both knew this meant I couldn’t go. I couldn’t get there in time anyway, but ok Universe, point made.
On strict instructions from Sean (haha) I went to my bed for 2 weeks, as I had covered all my classes and clients, and 2 weeks later I felt much better. I hit the ground running with Christmas prep, running workshops and organising all the last things for my retreats coming up in January and February. You may have seen me at this point and in fact months before this and up until March the next year and thought I was ok, but I really really wasn’t! I could feel the same tension and what I can only describe as panic, when I was doing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING! It was like I was in shock all the time and all my bloating, hot flushes, anxiety, weakness, constipation and tears came flooding back. Behind the scenes I was a wreck.
I ran my two retreats in Jan and Feb and knew I should be in bed when I lost my period half way through the first retreat - the stress was literally damaging my body in front of my eyes! It wasn’t the normal level of stress from running a retreat either, I had done this before, it was the fact I was already in ‘fight or flight’ mode and so anything on top of that was causing havoc on my whole system. I also ran them alone, which just because I could, doesn’t mean I should - its so much work to do this! I was very proud when they went swimmingly (wild swimming in an ice melt mountain lake was featured in both) but couldn’t stop to take note. I was stuck ‘ON’ and doing and rushing was making me ill but also the only way that my jangled nerves got distracted. A horrible vicious circle and one that caused nervous breakdown number 2!
Well after this Sean and some of my family and friends (strongly) suggested that I had to stop and rest for a few months, so I did. I did all the things I needed to to let classes go and postpone courses and retreats and sat uncomfortably knowing I had to listen to them and to my body now or I was actually going to die. I was broken down, and even the next morning after this ‘intervention’, I still was found at my computer creating adverts for my summer retreat! I look back now and can’t believe this, it shows how sickness can hide as normality in this rat-race world we are in! It also shows how our inner-child traumas and deep seated-beliefs that we create in childhood and throughout our life are actually the ones driving - the subconscious is a very powerful part of our mind!
Since then.
We hopped on a plane for a break in Mexico in March this year and for some deep healing retreats, which all was fabulous. I kept hoping I would get better soon, but my symptoms actually all started to really come out and my body continued to slow down, like my legs kept stopping working!, I had been unable to go to the gym for quite some time, but yoga started to be a challenge, as did walking; two of the things I love the most. I was getting more and more whole body weakness, had shaking or internal shimmers, cried at any tiny stressful thing, had brain fog, emotions all over the place and didn’t want to do anything that I usually did.
This has continued to get worse and worse, and on our two month trip in Europe in the early summer we had to stay put in two chosen places; even car journeys to see sights were too much, so we just rested and floated about in the sea/rivers as planned. In Bulgaria I did the last walk I have done in months. I felt up for it and was really missing leaving the house. This sadly was followed by two weeks of hard ‘crashing’ and I haven’t been on a walk since. This crashing has become very known to me now, and basically follows any activity at all. The more I try to do, even something like hanging the washing out, the more I am then incapacitated and bedbound - it’s quite incredible how different things can be.
Nine months into ‘learning to rest’
Sooooo here I am nine months since I stopped officially working and I have been pretty much housebound since July/August. I was finally diagnosed with ME or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as well as adrenal fatigue, and obviously still juggling the ovary/hormone issues (later blog about this). Most days now I can’t even do yoga, not even yin yoga(!) and need support with ordinary daily tasks like making food. It’s been really hard watching things continue to get worse and worse, and I am not sure I’m even at the worst yet as still feel worse some days, but I have learnt that there is no use fighting it, that makes it even worse, and actually, the hardest and most valuable practice of all is surrendering and giving into it. If I don’t I end up in a major ‘crash’ which in M.E. world we call Post Exertional Malaise (PEM), which I wouldn’t wish on anyone, it forces me to literally just lie down. I am learning and practicing the Buddhist art of ‘just sitting’ as most days even reading is to much and TV too stimulating - it’s quite a transformation for a super-active yogi!
Our bodies are incredible, and I pushed mine past its limits for decades in abusive relationships, people-pleasing, stressful jobs, very early starts, and most of all not really knowing what rest was. If there is one thing I can pass on from this is that rest isn’t some conveniently scheduled in thing we tick off, we MUST rest properly. This includes our minds; getting off all devices and taking some proper time in nature/with ourselves/doing holistic practices. Most of us over-do because we have taught by society and others that this is the way we are valuable. This is how we make money for the systems in place, but it’s not our value and it isn’t good for us.
I have had to look hard and deep into the beliefs I have below all this that meant I chose to stay in my poor choices, and to keep over-giving and rushing around. I read an amazing reminder today -
“Nature doesn’t hurry, yet all is accomplished” by Lao Tzu
I am now under private care of a Functional Doctor - these guys look for root cause of issues, rather than covering up symptoms that is at the heart of Western (allopathic) medicine. I also have found huge benefits from acupuncture, colon hydrotherapy, massage and hypnosis. Gentle yoga and qi gong keep my aches at bay from a ‘hardly-moving’ body, and yoga, tantra, breathwork and meditation support my mind, body and soul in it’s healing process. I am so grateful I have tools that have kept me from being even more unwell and now are what I can turn to.
I couldn’t have got through this without Sean, I am blessed beyond words to have such a partner by my side. My family and friends have been such a lifeline at this time too, it’s amazing what happens when you be honest about how bad you feel, let go and ask for help - you’re all amazing thank you!
Now
So as I sit here looking out at my garden for the ump-teenth day in a row and feel the ping of a need to ‘do’ something, I remind myself of this gift I have been given. My life will never be the same again; I will move slower, be more present and value myself and others more just for what they are. In my sloth-like state I see all the little things that I rushed past before, and I see that these are the things that make life wonderful. I have a long way to go yet on this healing journey but every day (well almost every day) I thank the Universe for this - transformation happens through suffering, and I have been blessed enough to have a wake up call to see life as it really is!
From me here on my sofa, I send love to all of you and thank you for reading. To all my clients and yogis, I miss you all and hope you can take a lesson from my journey and see if you too can take life a little slower ❤