Why self-love is so important, and often so hard!
For so long for me, when I used to hear the words ‘self-love’ uttered, the pit of my stomach would do a flip, I didn’t know what it meant, and to be honest I think it’s an ever unfolding exploration, much like loving someone else. The concept of this being a journey and a continuous learning always used to seem silly to me, I mean if I don’t know how to love myself then who does, and this is precisely the vital heart-opening point; how can we expect our partners, friends and families to really love us if actually we don’t know how to love ourselves?! So how do you find out? Well this has been my journey for most of my life and more intensely over the past few years….and I started right here, where I am now, I started with me.
On any journey, ideally we kind of have an idea of where we are heading, even if we plan to freestyle and go with the flow, which is exactly how all my travel happens too - I love that sense of freedom and being able to be flexible enough to let the universe guide you toward things that are even more amazing then anything you could plan - but that’s a whole other blog post! So on this journey into my heart, I knew that I was wanting to discover what I needed at different times, and how to really show myself I loved myself, remembering that this also opens any doors for others to truly love us, and also means we aren’t looking for love from a place of lack, which I would guess is what 99% of relationships start from! We’ve all heard of the Dalai Lama saying that happiness comes from within, well it’s the same with love!
Where do we start…
So let’s go back about 4 years, and actually it all goes back even further as is always the case, but let’s start there; post-toxic relationship, the old age co-dependent and narcissist tangle, edit that, 2 of these abusive relationships, and a whole world of self-loathing for not being able to leave, much to many people’s frustration (including mine) and I had had enough of totally KNOWING what I needed to do and not knowing HOW! I had spent hundreds if not thousands of pounds on very supportive and helpful therapy, which kept telling me that childhood abandonment issues plus traumas mean that we end up forming and developing not really understanding what love is, and so we bring towards us what we need to play out the same low-self-worth story, until we heal it, or die.. and at this point I had gone through a long time wondering if I would die before I actually left - but again that is a story for another post!
So as you know I did leave, and I did so in a rather dramatic way, I took myself on a yoga teacher training of my dreams, Thailand for trekking and Buddhism, and then went to Uganda and Congo, did volunteer work and started a charity. I knew if I didn’t physically leave, I wouldn’t get away from the toxic situation I was in, Ok so I hear you yelling “Not everyone is going to go to those lengths to return to inner happiness and self-love'“ and I reply to that that actually they do, and here’s why. I didn’t leave just to stop a toxic cycle, and to prevent an abusive partner from keeping an invisible grip on my heart, its actually even more powerful than that, I left to CHASE MY DREAMS - and THAT is self-love. One of it’s most bold, brave and wonderful expressions!
The climb
However, it wasn’t all like how Miley Cirus feels in her song ‘The Climb’, it was however total self-love, and here’s why; I think I cried almost every day for about a 6 months when I left. That is a lot of tears in front of a lot of strangers, But guess what, I let myself FEEL. I constantly reaffirmed to myself that however I felt was totally valid and in doing so I allowed years of stuck stuff to emerge in a hot, sweaty mess (crying in Bali, Thailand and Africa’s heat was a new experience that actually in some ways made it more cathartic - you know those times you really sob and get all sniffly, dribbling, runny nose, make-up everywhere? well add to that 90% humidity and a dramatic yoga playlist and a room full of open-hearted loveliness and you’ve got a recipe for healing!). I also did a lot of lying on the floor amongst the volunteering, showed up for people who had things a whole lot worse than me and were still smiling and carrying on, met some incredible people, learnt to punch pillows to release anger (thank you Ana), ecstatically danced like a lunatic, laughed a lot, journaled every day, did mirror work, took a lot of cold showers, and got out into nature a lot! I also climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, which again I hear you say is not something we can all just go and do, but that took a choice, a whole lot of savings, training, dedication and all of this was to myself! Loving myself through my commitment to my dreams and my heart’s longing desire!
I also let myself have some support from new and old friends, I didn’t seek this out, I’m quite a lone wolf in all honesty, but I met some beautiful souls who showed up at just the right time, and also had my best friends there when I needed them. All of this, kept reminding myself that I was worth my own love that I had so readily given out to the wrong people for so many years, and we all are, I also found healing in service, volunteering has always had a place in my heart, I spent 20 months in South America straight out of Uni volunteering and travelling and its something I value so much, Being in Uganda and Congo, being with people and animals that I could somehow help, really helped me see the value of my own enormous heart, and actually the help goes both ways; I learnt so much from all the projects, and still do now everyday from the charity that I run.
Fast forward to today
Loving myself is always something that I learn more and more every day, but my go-to response now is to be there for myself, as I am in that moment, whatever it looks like. In doing this I have attracted amazing things into my life, as well as a love I have never seen or heard of in my life, it’s even better than the fairytales! I couldn’t have done any of this without showing up for myself and learning to return to my state of love, because after all, this is what we all are, our true essence. The idea of self-love is now a firm part of my existence and day, as it should be, and the words no longer haunt me, because I know that even on the hardest days when I feel my worth still in question by my beliefs, I sit with it and love myself anyway.
Self-love is simply (not always easily) showing up for yourself, listening and honouring what IS, not what we want to be there. This can be as simple as taking a bath instead of writing another report, taking time out from family stuff for you to be alone, saying ‘no’, going on an adventure alone or sitting on the floor and allowing yourself to cry, or screaming as you’re driving along in the car (trust me this works, as does the pillow punching thing). Nature is always an amazing way to remind yourself of your wonder and quieten your mind too, and after all your mind is the only part of you that decides to be harsh and not to act in a loving way towards yourself, your heart and dreams always, always know the way!
What will you do today to love yourself?
